What’s up y’all! I know it’s been ages since I blogged. It’s like I’ve been in a perpetual state of writers block for months. Or suffering from a massive case of ICBB. (I can’t be bothered) Today was an interesting day. Most of you have been following me from the early 2008 days when I was blogging as ‘all natural ko’. You may recall my first photoshoot with Tchalla Hawk way back in the day. Well, today we shot for the umpteenth time in a row. Every year we get better. He knows when I’m going to blink, and I know I’m going to roll my eyes when he tells me to run for a photograph. It’s weird to think back at how much I’ve changed on a personal level. I’m somewhat confused nowadays. Almost like I’m losing my identity a tiny bit. Going from someone who flaunted her body around with pride from all of my hard work, and doing photoshoots primarily for a male audience who were ‘into’ female muscle, to now somewhat strictly focusing on empowering women, can be a complicated business. On one had, I feel like women can do, be, say, and act however they want and not get judged for it. If I want to post a photo of myself in a thong leotard, with my asscheeks hanging out, then so be it. But on the other hand, and especially after spending time with one of our 8 year old athletes a few weeks ago during our last GRRRL photo shoot, I’m not entirely sure what the hell I’m doing. I know a lot of you, my readers (“my”… you know what I’m saying….) are here because you love female muscle. I also know that a lot of you are here because you’ve enjoyed my journey. You’ve enjoyed my years of spilling my truths. You’ve watched me go from ‘muscle fetish godess’ where I blogged about how mind blown I was to discover this ‘muscle fetish’ world. A world where men wanted to pay me 400-500 an hour to experience my strength in various ways, or worship certain muscle groups, WITHOUT sex- and yet, I’d spent my ENTIRE life trying to make my legs smaller so I could achieve the look of a Calvin Klein model or Kate Moss. You read my distraught thoughts, and disbelief. You read how I kicked so and so’s ass on the mats. Or arm wrestling. You also read about my real life experiences happening at the same time, such as me admitting to you that I’d been high on oxycontin for the past year, along with posting that photo of me crying on my blog. You read about my journey in moving to Australia. You read about my journey in being bullied by the mainstream media where I was labeled an “ex fetish porn star” while my husband was the CEO of a national rugby team. You read my heartbreak and victory all in the same day, after being told by Big Brother Big Sister that I couldn’t mentor for them, and instead decided to launch Kamp Konfidence. You THEN read all about my experiences with Kamp Konfidence. You even read how I thought starting a MLM business (isagenix) was how I was going to fund Kamp K since I couldn’t get a church or any other institution to give me a cent because of my google wrap sheet. You then read about my highs and lows during comp prep after deciding to get back into competing since I walked out on it and 2011 to instead pick up BJJ and crossfit. And finally, you’ve read about launching a revolutionary clothing line called GRRRL. And now, today, I can say that shit has changed. and thank Goddess it has- I’m fortunate to have this blog, and to have learned tools in 12 step recovery like taking my inventory on a daily basis (or at least do my best to…. sometimes I may go a few weeks before I stop and write in my journal. or months, as you know, before I blog again)… But it’s through taking an inventory, I can realise things like today being a very unusual photoshoot. Normally, I’m doing everything possible to flex muscles. To show as much skin as possible. To look ripped up and buff. It’s been my driving force for as long as I can remember. But today, knowing that I’m somewhat morphing into a “lady” … ok, more like a GRRRLlady, was a really weird feeling. I’ve never done a photoshoot with the intension of just ‘being’. Finding that balance between being 110% OK with being soft and feminine (and I might add, this is an ongoing process. Finding self love is NEVER done, in my experience. For me, there are highs and lows. Like taking pre workout with DMMA or without it- some days you’re cracked out, and some days not so much <<lol>> ). I’m still able to exude strength and power, without flexing or being ripped up. It doesn’t have to be LOUD. It can be silently spoken. I like to use the analogy of Holly and Rhonda’s demonstrated personality last November. Holly didn’t need to say a single word. I don’t need to be in a sports bra to show off my arms. You CAN SEE THAT SHIT though those sleeves. <lol> But, strength doesn’t always come in the way of muscle. It comes in being humble. It comes from having integrity. It comes from endeavouring to empower ALL females, even when they are acting like a bag of dicks. It’s continuing to fight for your mission and vision, without stopping no matter WHAT- After seeing myself in dresses, and some dresses that weren’t really flattering whatsoever, I was somewhat surprised to find myself not feeling disgusted with myself. As most of you know, if I don’t see visible muscles on myself, I feel un-attractive. Hence, why I was driven to launch Kamp Konfidence, and now GRRRL. It’s crazy- I have so much IP after running Kamp Konfidence. All of the stuff I taught to teenage girls, is completely applicable to women. I’m happy we put it down to launch grrrl, because I truly feel that the two are meant to be intertwined. I see so many other women who have had the SAME exact experiences and hardships as I, and know that they will make amazing facilitators for Kamp. I enjoy being the MFCEO at the moment, but soon I’ll be ready to hit the road. My heart is sharing and teaching. I am ready to share this IP with females across the globe. Teaching them the 5 habits, lessons and principles that lead to the development of self love. It’s time to change the game. Just as I can now morph into being photographed in dresses and be OK with seeing myself not defined with bulging muscles, women across the world now have confirmation (that there are HEAPS of other women who “get it”) and permission to unleash their inner beast, safety (because you know there’s safety in numbers), and collectively find self acceptance and awareness, and finally, self love. Collectively- Wow…. this blog is a hot mess. Now knowing that I have more women on my side than men (you know I love the men…. and most days I think I am one lol!), I feel like my mission has finally hit a tipping point. I feel like we’re moving forward, full steam ahead. I cannot wait to start filling auditoriums full of women, and sharing ALL of the information and experiences that I’ve had to help them (you) move forward in your journey in finding joy. I love you grrrl. And of course, all of you mens out there who have undoubtedly supported me year after year. xoKO The post First “Normal” Photoshoot appeared first on Kortney Olson >> Konfidence By Kortney.