Suicidal Thoughts

Suicidal Thoughts

Suicidal thoughts?  I refuse medication….

That’s right.  I’m not in a great space at the moment.  Not sure if I’ve ever written these words in a blog before.  I’m sure I’ve probably written them in a personal journal, but public?  Not so much.  I’ve been prescribed anti depressants a number of times in my life.  One time in particular I can clearly recall, was when I was in rehab at the age of 21.  The doctor wanted to put me on prozac.  After a couple of days, I was compelled to hurl that shit out the window and take matters into my own hands.  I found my own form of anti-depressants and it was called the gym.

Now, for anyone reading this blog who currently is on medication, I’m not suggesting for a second that you follow my lead.  Everyone needs to take their own journey.  But personally, I’ve done some deep investigating, especially through the years 2011-2013 when I felt like the world was coming to an end, and discovered that a majority of us are over-medicated.  You know how the conspiracy trail leads you from one video to another on youtube, and the next thing you know a year has passed by and all the sudden you don’t want to leave your house while the rest of the world is living in an ignorant sea of bliss?  It’s like I fucked up and took the blue pill when I really meant to take the red.  LOL

On top of youtube videos, I love watching a good documentary.  You can learn a lot from documentaries.  One in particular was about anti depressants and how back in the 1940’s, psychiatry was the laughing stock of the medical world.  In the DSMR back in the 40’s, there were just over 100 known “mental illnesses” recorded.  Now in the new shiny 2000 era, being a psychiatrist is a highly acclaimed, and well-respected job.  Not to mention there are over 800 different known “mental illnesses” on record.  WELL HOLY SHIT!  that’s strange!

Anyway, yes…… right now, my life is not oozing with its normal spiritual amazingness.  I’ve tried praying, my 12 step meetings, talking to other addicts and alcoholics, talking to friends, my partner…. nothing seems to be snapping me back out of this fog.  Yesterday, I got to such a low, I started crying, got into bed, and started having thoughts of not wanting to wake up.  Truly feeling like there is no point, and life would be better if I just fell asleep and didn’t wake up.

Dealing with the financial stress and management of ‘life on life’s terms’ was starting to seem pointless.  Maybe I’d seen too many news clips flash before my eyes while doing cardio, earlier that day, in regards to Donald Trump rating high in the polls…

Now, don’t worry… I don’t have the balls to take my own life.  I’m not at such a low that I would really consider doing anything.  But I am saying the voices in my head, are starting to wear me down.  I know if I went to a doctor, and I shared what I just shared with you, the first resolution  would be “you need medication”.

Seeing how the gym, diet, and whatever else I normally do aren’t working, naturally the next step would be medication, right?


You know what always works when I’m in a funk?  Being of service to someone else.  

Now, normally in the past I have enough energy to be of service to other people.  But ever since Dec 1, when I got 110% involved with GRRRL Clothing, I’ve started to lose a little bit myself ever so slowly.  At first it was incredible to see the vision come alive.  It still is amazing.  But when you’ve given all of yourself 7 days a week, and nearly 3 months straight, and not paid yourself a cent, you start to lose the spiritual excitement, just a tad.

Balls!  Who knew that launching and running an international clothing line would be so extreme lol.  The costs involved are ____________________________ ———> HOLD UP!  I’ve ranted enough….

The point of this blog, is to share what works  for me.  

When I’m down and out, burnt, tired, and caught up in self pity, and self centered-ness, the one thing that always works, is being of service to someone else.  Usually small little acts add up quickly, and make me feel good, but when you’re in the office all day long, and not having much human interaction, or when I’m not teaching, when I’m not in real life (because we all know that online is NOT real life!), I slowly descend.

The whole point of life, in my experience, is to give and receive love.  It’s our number 1 deepest human need.  But one cannot give love, if you’re not first feeling loved.  And I don’t mean feeling love from someone else- I mean feeling love from yourself (within, whatever-).  I’m not loving myself if I’m not switching off.

On that note, I’m off!  Rest assured your fearless leader KO will bounce back and mount that goddamn horse like that badass grrrl called Michelle Pain.  Do not fear, and DO NOT stop taking your medication if you’re on it.  You may be one of the real-deal batt-shit crazy ones (my kind of people… and by the way- you do know that you lot are the gifted ones, right?)

However, DO get your ass somewhere so you can find something, heavy- then, pick it up and put it down.  Do it again.  Then repeat repeat repeat!


Namaste Bitchessssssss!

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