Binge Eating · KO blogs · MFCEO GRRRL · recovery ·
Binge Eating And The Homeless Man
A few weeks ago I was in Hong Kong on business. In a mad rush, I went to initiate an international bank transfer in the amount of $25,000. I stupidly put the transaction reference ID number into the field where the account number was meant to go. With it pouring rain outside, I grabbed my purse and dashed out of my Eco hotel to make another meeting.Later that night, I received an email from the bank. Due to suspicious activity I needed to submit some information in order to unlock my account. This of course was an issue, because I had a tiny window of time to make this transaction happen. Which is par for course when you’re running a global operation on a shoestring budget... EVERYTHING is a tiny window. Timing is everything. Because I was overseas, I needed to submit paperwork, my passport, and Drivers license. After doing my best to stay calm, I managed to get the front desk to print out some paperwork, take some photo copies, and arranged a call back with the bank an hour prior to my next meeting the next day. Come to find out, my Drivers license had expired 3 days prior, and now they needed a copy of my bank card. Took another deep breath. Got another hotel desk to photocopy and fax internationally. Got another call right before my meeting, “the copy needs to be darker”, and my window has practically shut, costing me a couple of thousands of dollars in exchange rates. Long story short, I managed to barely slide in and get info submitted, stuff unlocked, orders paid for, and all meetings on time whilst keeping composure. There’s nothing more frustrating to me than being in a foreign country with little money, little time, and the inability to communicate. By time I made it to the airport, I had a MAJOR case of the fuck-its. Blazing through security, I got to the terminal and discovered I had zero food choices. So, I went with the “lets buy every piece of chocolate I can recognise and pronounce” option, and proceeded to eat my body weight in a garden variety of candy bars. Legit, Malt teasers Brick of Toblerone Kitkats M&M’s... peanut butter filled (yeaaaaaaaaaa I kno datsssssss right!) Sport Riser, hazelnut And finally, a variety bag of mini Hershey’s chocolates! In the 20 minutes I had before boarding my flight, I ate damn near all of it except the variety bag. And the Sport Riser. About 3 hours into the flight, an hour before landing, I ate the Sport Riser, then had a few more mini Hershey’s. Then it all started to set it. I started to actually process my binging experience, and what caused it. I reflected upon that it’d been almost a year since I’d done something similar. Last October, I went on a binge fest eating nuts in the middle of nearly divorcing. Historically, I was never a consecutive binge eater. I either would restrict calories, and then purge off of eating the smallest thing. I’ve gone through different phases since high school, which primarily consisted of meth, cough syrup, and narcotics to change the way I felt about my body and damper my appetite. I’ll leave it at that, because the issue with discussing too much detail with eating disorders, is that we give each other ideas. This is why group therapy is tricky in ED recovery. But, the point of this blog, was I had a bit of a breakthrough moment. For the first time in nearly forever, I didn’t sit with feelings of guilt, followed by “how am I going to work this off tomorrow?”, thoughts. Aka, punishment. I sat there in my 3 row of empty seats laying down, with a book on my lap, and thought about how lucky I was to even have the opportunity to buy all that chocolate in the first place. I thought about how much shit I had made it through that day, and that I stayed clean and sober yet another day. 8+ years ago, I would have crumbled and gone straight into the bar. I didn’t sit and think thoughts of needing to justify why it was ok, or wasn’t ok. It just was! As I continued to lay on the seats, I decided that I’d keep a handful in the freezer for those non-vegan days where I felt like having something tasty. I also decided that I was going to stop by the homeless man who sleeps outside on a piece of cardboard around the corner of my house, and place a couple by his head while he slept. Instead of looking at that chocolate episode as some kind of tragic event, or justify it- feel guilty about it... I simply thought how grateful I was for everything that I have, and that I was free to make the choice to even buy it all (arguably when you’re in that mode as a binge eater, you don’t have a choice- until you learn tools). I was excited to share my chocolate with my homeless Friend. We’ve never spoken. We don’t speak the same language. But whenever he’s woken up when I was walking home from the gym, we always smile and laugh with each other. I kind of knew that he’d know that I left it. And although they were bars and not kisses, I’d hope that he knew someone was thinking of him. If you are experiencing issues with binge eating and need help, I highly recommend attending GL19, June 1-2nd weekend 2019. Debbie Lichter, author of Freedom From Food Addiction . Com and the congruence code, will be holding a mainstage presentation along with 2 breakout workshops. Click the link here to visit the GRRRL:Live page. CEO on the go.