From the point of view of the victim, is domestic violence an addiction?
First of all, it’s a bit screwed up, that here we’re in the year 2016, and we’re STILL talking about domestic violence. Is it safe to say, “WHAT THE ACTUAL F++K!!!”? I mean, look how far we’ve come in the past 20 years……….
Excuse me while I go off topic for a moment-
Think back to the car your parents drove around when you were growing up- For some of us, those cars had 8-track players as the audio/media source. Some had cassette tapes! And then there are those of us who can only say they’ve experienced compact discs, aka “cd’s”!
Fast forward to today, and WOW! WE DON’T EVEN NEED A DAMN CORD TO PLUG OUR SHIT IN! We can wirelessly stream our PHONES to the stereo of our AUTOMOBILE!
Which brings me to my second example: YOUR CELL PHONE!
Dude- I remember back IN THE DAY my Mom was SUCH a pimp! Her dope-growing boyfriend, who I loved dearly (RIP Marty), had a BAG PHONE! Yeah! You know the one… where the shit plugged into the 9-volt outlet of your vehicle to get the party started! Literally holding a bag, with a wire that connected off it, to talk into a handheld receiver! Wood chuck to grey squirrel ! hahahahahahahaha!
You get my point…. Just one look at our current world, and EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT AND EVOLVED. The largest taxi company (uber) doesn’t own any cars, and the largest hotel company (airB&B) doesn’t have any hotels! YET, we haven’t evolved on Women’s rights. And I’m not talking about rights where equality is concerned. I’m talking about GOD GIVEN RIGHTS OF SAFETY.
We are STILL living in a barbaric time, where the state of Oklahoma can pass a law where by if a victim is unconscious, then oral sex is not considered rape, and a time when men STILL think it’s OK to bash women.
(the face you make when being interviewed regarding #rooshthedouche from return of the kings)
Before I go on, I want to add a note: To any man reading this, who believes it is OK to bash the shit out of your wife, girlfriend, or date- You are not at fault. Whoever raised you needs a swift kick in the CU$T. (yeah, I said it- I’m tired of playing around the bush… (no pun intended))
You are not at fault, but it is time to accept some responsibility and break your jacked up cycle. Or- pack your shit and get OUT son!
This brings me to the whole point of this blog. “Pack your shit and get OUT”………..
Now, here we are, circling back to the opening line: Is domestic violence an addiction?
It’s odd how sometimes things take a LONG time to sink in for me.
I’m not someone who has experienced domestic violence myself. Sexual assault on the other hand, I can easily chime in on. But when it comes to a man laying hands on me, and me sticking around for more than one go at it? Not in my book. Therefor, when it comes to this topic, I’m not the best to discuss with.
Why is that? Because, I don’t have the experience! Or, do I? (getting there, keep reading)
The first time I was exposed to domestic violence was through a best friend in high school. She started dating a guy who was a couple of grades ahead of us. He was a “bad boy”. Without going into too much detail, he used to threaten her all the time. As far as I know, he never actually laid hands on her, but there was definitely pushing and shoving happening. She would break up with him, swear him off, then ALWAYS wind up getting back together with him. I could never understand it. Until now….
I’ve never had any family members, or other close friends in my adult life come to me with this issue, until recently. Since I stop and take regular inventory of myself: My actions, behaviours, goals, etc. I can see that my response SUCKS!
The response in my head, towards a recent friend who returned to a partner who has a history of abusing her verbally and physically, was this: “What the FUCK is wrong with you! You KNEW that he was going to do this AGAIN! I give up! I don’t know how to help!”…..
Then the hammer dropped-
The hammer dropped, and I realised that this is EXACTLY how people would respond towards me when it came to drugs and alcohol!!! Or when society responds to drug addicts and alcoholics. “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?” “YOU KNEW IT WAS GOING TO GET YOU INTO TROUBLE AGAIN” “I GIVE UP!” “I DON’T KNOW HOW TO HELP YOU”.
Well, well, well…… have a look at THAT! There are extremely similar parallels when it comes to Is domestic violence not the same as drug and alcohol addiction? We SWEAR IT OFF till the cows come home, “I’ll never touch that shit again, I SWEAR!”. The shame and remorse are too unbearable. I feel horrible. THEN the emotions and fear set it, and we FUCKING PICK UP AND DO IT AGAIN! The fear of not being good enough, being alone, being empty…. Or, like with domestic violence, the fear of not finding someone to love us, being alone, being empty, fear of him coming back so we better play nice……
WE PICK UP AND DO IT AGAIN, KNOWING!!!!!! WE KNOW THAT THIS TIME IT’S GOING TO BE DIFFERENT! THIS TIME WE HAVE A HANDLE ON IT. WE HAVE CHANGED. WE CAN CONTROL IT!
Not knowing, that the only thing we can control is ourselves. We are powerless when it comes to drugs and alcohol. We are powerless when it comes to being back in the same shitty relationship. Although we 110% BELIEVED things would be different this time around……..
Do you know what the definition of insanity is according to Einstein? Repeating the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result.
So what is it? There is no chemical component with domestic violence like there is with drugs and alcohol, right? Or is there?????? What about the rush of making up. Who here can agree that make-up sex is THE BEST! The feeling of hope and reconciliation. The passion………
But is it worth your life? Is that high from smoking that last bowl of crystal meth worth your life? As he holds you by the throat and with 110% power, smashes his knuckles against your face, breaking your jaw and teeth? Potentially causing permanent brain damage?
I don’t think so-
So then, why don’t you “just stop”.
lol. Because we can’t “just stop” once we start.
One thing I can say with 110% conviction, is you are not alone, and that the best form of support is to be around other people who have been where you are, and have made it out the other side. Just as with drug and alcohol addiction, none of us STAY clean and sober on our own. It’s a WE thing. Not a ME thing. You need to break the cycle, in my experience. Stay off him, your drug of choice. And plug into a support group.
In conclusion, until you experience something for yourself, you have ZERO right to judge someone else’s experience. Just as I know from drug and alcohol addiction, it is not a matter of “will power”. We are not ‘weak people’.
Now that I’ve seen the correlation between addiction and domestic violence, I understand that there is some level of mental illness happening. And all that means, is we all have mental health. And the opposite of health, is illness. Abusing yourself via drugs and alcohol, or abusing yourself by going back into a toxic, and most often fatal relationship, is not healthy. The best way out of illness, in my experience, is through the support and care of other people who are from your tribe. People who have been there, done that, and have found a way out the other side. They have zero interest in the things you have, the car you drive, or the job you possess. They only have interest in helping you get safe. Because people who have been to hell and back, want to help others find their way, because being of service and of purpose, is the best feeling known to man.
And you, you father fugging CRAZY WARRIOR BITCH- DESERVE TO BE SAFE AND TO BE LOVED.